Hannah Brown made her official debut at “The Bachelorette” Monday night.
Known for her beast growling and Southern charm, the former Miss Alabama took her seat on the ABC throne and met the 30 eligible men vying for her heart on night one of the hit dating show.
First impression rose: Luke
Brown gave the most coveted boutonniere of the night to Luke P., a 24-year-old manager/ gym rat from Gainesville, Fla. Brown first met him on the “After the Final Rose” episode of the last season of “The Bachelor.”
During his video intro, viewers got an an…interesting… look at his backstory. “I like to think I’m a good looking guy. When I was in college a lot of girls around me thought so too, and I definitely took advantage of that,” Luke said. Take that as you will. Don’t worry: He then had an “encounter” with God in the shower that changed his life and set him on a path for the better.
For his big entrance, Luke climbed atop his limo, got on all fours, and growled. Hannah roared back while baring her teeth and claws. It was terrible, but neither of them seemed to have a problem or a sense of self-awareness about what they were doing on national television. Romantic! He was also the first one to “steal her for a sec.”
After the “dramatic” revelation that one Bachelor still had a girlfriend back home, Brown was in tears. Only Luke P. had the brains to go console her. The move got him the first impression rose and a kiss. Keep an eye on this one.
First liplock: Cam CamABC/Ed Herrera
Joining Luke P. and Brown in the pool of no self-awareness is Cam.
You might remember him from his literal performance on the “After the Final Rose” show. He freestyle rapped to earn Brown’s heart, which worked: he got that night’s First Impression Rose.
Rocking the “pre-impression” rose on his lapel last night, he exited the limo with another song. For some inexplicable reason, Brown thoroughly enjoyed his rhymes. Later, in their one-on-one fireside chat, the 30-year-old software salesman and wannabe “nice guy” showed that he equates respecting women with ignoring their sexuality.
“I’m the type of guy that when I have chemistry with somebody, I don’t kiss them on the first date,” he said while holding her hand. “Seeing as this is our technically second date, can I kiss you Hannah?” Smooth move, Cam.
‘Solid’ kiss: Connor S. Connor SABC/Ed Herrera
For his first impression, Connor S. decided to emulate Hannah’s ex and simultaneously recreate one of the most iconic moments in reality TV show history: Colton jumping the fence.
The 24-year-old investment analyst from Dallas hurled himself over the gates of Bachelor Mansion to demonstrate his commitment to Brown.
He snagged a smooch later during an intimate chat. “Seeing you, like, I felt a connection,” the bro muttered out. “You know, but, yeah.”
After the kiss, Connor showed off his lexicon to the camera: “After a good conversation, we had a solid kiss. It was good.” Shakespeare is reborn.
Best producer butt-in: Connor J. Connor JABC/Ed Herrera
While Connor J. didn’t try anything funny during his entrance, the show’s producers helped/forced him to participate in a skit during his one-on-one time with Hannah.
“I don’t know if anyone has thrown you a proper bachelorette party,” he said while guiding her to a backyard area decorated with balloons and games.
One such game, called “Junk in the Trunk,” required the possible lovers to strap empty tissue boxes filled with ping pong balls to their butts and shake them out. So they jumped around the patio and sweated in their formal wear.
After letting Brown win, he crowned the former pageant star with a “Bachelorette” tiara.
It was cheesy but cute.
Coolest catchphrase: Mike Johnson Mike JohnsonABC/Craig Sjodin
Mike Johnson — yes he revealed his full name on air — is hot as hell and has an amazing smile. He also loves his great-grandmother and brings her flowers.
Mike Johnson is a 31-year-old portfolio manager from San Antonio. He loved how Brown smelled and thought she was very pretty.
Mike Johnson lives by “The 5 Cs:” Character, charm, charisma, consistency and compassion. He told them to Brown and asked her if she got them all. She said she did, but she definitely didn’t
Mike Johnson is smooth. Mike Johnson is . Mike Johnson loved how strong Brown is. Mike Johnson took the time to ask Brown about her feelings. Mike Johnson helped bolster her up. “I think you are 100-percent ready for this,” Mike Johnson said. Mike Johnson, I am ready for you.
Most made for TV: Jed JedABC/Ed Herrera
Jed is a singer-songwriter. You know where this is going.
“My family has always told me how important it is to shine inside and outside. And you’re gleaming tonight. I can’t wait to know your heart,” he said while meeting Brown (who was wearing a sparkly dress), in the most-rehearsed speech I’ve ever heard.
Yeah, he did whip out the guitar.
He sang a song that we can assume was an original work, that included the lyric, “you’re by my side.” Brown was amazed. “I have a total crush on Jed,” she said.
Best job perk: Peter PeterABC/Ed Herrera
Peter is a pilot. To remind you (and Brown) of that fact, he wore his uniform — hat and all.
Peter made sure to bribe Brown with all the amazing perks of his job. Not only would she get a man in uniform if she chose him, she could also travel anywhere she wants, whenever she pleased (though I’m not sure that’s how being a pilot works.)
Like any good pilot, he gifted Brown a pair of wings.
It doesn’t seem like he has a personality other than being a pilot, but that problem is for a later episode.
Producer’s pick: John Paul Jones John Paul Jones
John Paul Jones is a tool who didn’t have time to speak with Brown individually because so much time was taken up by the episode’s “dramatic” revelation.
When they met, she mocked his name (he insists his full moniker to be used at all times). He received the last rose of the night.
Clearly, the behind-the-scenes team asked Brown to keep him on to cause drama amongst the guys. With a name like John Paul Jones, you know there’s trouble brewing.
Most meme-able: Tyler TylerABC/Ed Herrera
Tyler was two classes away from earning his dance minor at Wake Forrest.
In his intro segement, the 26-year-old contractor from Florida showed off his moves, Kevin Bacon in “Footloose” style.
He stripped his shirt off and paraded around a job site doing cartwheels and leaps and turns. He is not good, but has so much fun. Not a bad pick.
Strongest swimmers: Matteo MatteoABC/Ed Herrera
Matteo got no air time last night. But keep an eye on him, because he has ants in his pants.
The 25-year-old has donated enough sperm to make 114 babies.
Let’s think about this. Say he started donating sperm at age 18, that means he’s been on this bender for seven years, at least. By that count, he’s created about 16 children a year.
Brown has said she wants to settle down and start a family. Matteo is clearly the man for that.