Pro: not shaving saves time
I used to waste so much time shaving. Growing a beard frees me up to do manly, beard-related activities, like stroking it while staring into the distance, chopping things with axes, and suppressing my emotions.
Ace Armstrong / flickr
Pro: covers up extra chins
I treat my body like a dumpster. And as I’ve gotten older and my metabolism has slowed to a crawl, I’ve developed a gross patch of fat that swallows my jawline. Growing a beard covers that bastard up and creates the illusion that my head and neck haven’t completely fused together. Pair it with a large shirt and it’s like I never gained weight at all.
Pro: feeling it blow in the wind
’nuff said.
Pro: free change
One time, I was at the bar when my beard was really long and scraggly (that’s me above at my peak unkempt beard length). My friends kept telling me I looked like I spent my days standing on street corners, screaming about how the moon is a hologram. I disagreed, until some guy dropped 50 cents in my cup as he walked by. Either way, free money is always a plus in my book.
Pro: keeps you warm
Beards are like wearing a scarf without the embarrassment. In fact, some evolutionary theorists believe men grow beards while women do not because the cavemen had to brave the harsh winters to hunt.
Pro: bonus snacks
I woke up last Sunday and had a whole ass Cheeto tangled in there.
Pro: it’s actually fun to maintain
Some people might consider the upkeep that comes with a beard to be a downside, but I dig it. I actually enjoy shampooing it. Oiling it. Combing it with that big horse brush — it’s like grooming a majestic steed attached to your face.
Pro: It’s like being in a secret club
You notice when there’s another beard in the vicinity. And they notice, too. If there is a point where two guys with beards need to walk past one another, the one with the shorter beard must yield.
Pro: women love beards
Even if she says she prefers a clean shave… deep down, she wants the B. Beards are a primal turn on (see #5). Like if some creep grabs her ass and you clock him in the face. Some women will be like “oh no violence is never the answer!” but really, her biological wiring is on fire. Also, a good beard is soft. When a woman makes out with a well-groomed beard, it’s like she’s getting a warm towel for her face as she leaves the bathroom in a fancy restaurant. And what do you think she’d rather sit on…. a tile floor or a shag carpet?
U.S. Air Force photo/Staff Sgt. Teresa J. Cleveland
Pro: mechanics are less likely to rip you off
You look like you know about cars.
Pro: Prevents allergies
Beards act like a vacuum filter for your nose and mouth. Facial hair traps allergens like pollen and dust. This reduces allergies and can even ease symptoms of asthma.
Pro: Hides baby face
Sometimes I don’t get even get carded anymore.
Pro: beards give you superhuman abilities
Gandalf. Jesus. Santa. Chuck Norris. The proof is in the pudding — droplets of which they have stuck in their beards.
Cons: ???
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