No matter how hard you try to avoid them, you can’t stop really bad days from happening. Maybe you lost your job. Maybe you had a terrible breakup with someone you considered “the one.” Maybe you were blindsided by the loss of a loved one. The fact is, we all face times in our lives when we feel the coldest depths of despair, when the only thing we feel like doing is going somewhere quiet, staring at the ceiling, and crying. These are the moments when life feels way too hard.
When you’ve fallen into those depths, it’s terribly difficult to know what to do. While there are a host of resources and tools online created to help you deal with especially tough moments, the one thing that you can do that is the most helpful may surprise you.
According to the experts we spoke to, the one thing that will make you feel better when you feel that life is just too hard is to simply sit with that feeling—to fully embrace it and recognize it, and not try to avoid or erase those feelings of pain you’re experiencing. You should also practice radical honesty with yourself and your feelings in the moment, says psychotherapist Christine Scott-Hudson.
“You might want to practice writing about how you feel in a private journal,” she advises. “Do not worry about grammar or spelling, but just free write for 20 minutes, never taking your pen off of the page. Write to the center of what hurts, write it all down. Then, put it away. Practice some good self-care. Return to your feelings later by reading what you put onto the page. Listen to yourself. Feel what you feel.”
In order to stay present, no matter how tough the practice may be, Lee Chaix McDonough, a clinical social worker and psychotherapist, recommends enlisting the help of one simple breathing and meditation exercise.
“To reconnect to the here and now, try the ‘5-4-3-2-1 exercise,’” says McDonough. “Begin by taking a few slow, deep breaths. Then, notice five things you can see, four things you can hear, three things you can feel, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. By focusing on your senses, you ground yourself in the present moment and reconnect to the here and now.”
As you can imagine, there are also things you shouldn’t do in those moments. According to life coach and anxiety specialist Vikki Louise, some of your everyday coping mechanisms—like downing a few drinks at the bar, or scrolling through social media to distract yourself from stressful responsibilities—will not help you when life gets truly tough.
“Allowing and accepting the human experience, bad days and all, may not sound exciting or dreamy, but it is truly necessary,” says Louise. “One of the tricks I tell my clients is to say each year you will have 100 challenging days. That is part of the human experience. This means when they are feeling bad, they can allow it, knowing that it is one less bad day for them to face later in the year.”
Finally, it’s important to remember that even bad days can provide clarity and give your life meaning. Did that relationship that just ended really mean more to you than you previously thought?
According to McDonough, the answer will help you recognize the things that are actually important in your life. If you weren’t already aware of how important that person was to you, now you are.
In short: only through pain can truly know how to be grateful for what you already have. And when you’re ready to start taking steps to restore yourself, be sure to read the 17 Things Happy People Do Every Morning.
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